Right right right. I know we all have our kinks, and each to their own but there comes a time where we all have to sit back and think, hhmm it's a big world we live in, and people do some seriously questionable shit, but what are some of the weirdest things out there? Well... I, in my infinite wisdom and ever lasting curiosity decided to delve into this little wondrous world of weird shit us humans seem to deem sexual enough to take the time and effort to not just think of, but to create and use. So sit back, read along, expand your mind, and maybe worry a little for our species because here we go.
Number 1) Anal Speculum - That's right, I just dove right in! Now girls, I think we all know what a friggin speculum is right? It's that thing that the doctor uses after they have lured you in for a nice little smear. That thing that kind of looks like a metal ducks beak that they use when you are at your most vulnerable, when they act like telling you to put your feet together and flop your legs to the side is a regular daily occurrence for you (side note, getting a compliment on your cervix, doesn't put you in the high spirits you might expect). Well we all know this is by FAR the most uncomfortable part of your adult life as a woman when the doctor says 'just relax just relax' but you know there is absolutely no way on this planet, that YOU are going to RELAX, like, she is eye to eye with the beast! Every insecurity, every indecency, every f***ing secret you ever told is in there I swear it's like a black/pink hole to your heart, sorry but it is. I can't help but feel I have wondered off topic again. Well you know that horrid feeling when they put it into the area that can actually stretch naturally? THIS is one of them bad boys, BUT FOR YOUR ASS! Sorry but if you use one of these bad boys and end up in a&e with a torn ass hole you have only yourself to blame! Fuck the anal speculum this should be called the anti vice!!! #smashyourbackdoorsin #dranus #analflaps #speculatethis
Number 2) Dildo Gas Mask? Need I say more? Genuinely I don't understand this thing what so ever. If there is one thing I don't think I would ever want to wear it is anything that resembles a gas mask. This is something associated with bad times right? But slap a dildo to the end of it and it's suddenly loads of fun. My word we really will make anything sexual wont we. I'm not judging, it's innovative, but I was really panicking thinking how do people breath? However it has since been discontinued, maybe that's because people couldn't breath? Or maybe because it was wildly disrespectful? How do I know? Sacrificing your oxygen for a plastic penis, sounnnnd.
When I looked into this one I did find one review that is either for s***ts and giggle, or someone genuinely did wear this to work, in which case, I salute you for your (pardon the pun) ballsyness!! #facedick #whoneedsairwhenyouhavelatex #todgertrunk #NSFW
Number 3) Reignbow pony tail plug - I'm sorry but anything that you stick in your arse that's based on a childs toy is just plain wrong. I might sound like a stickler here but I genuinely don't care. If you look at a My Little Pony and think, hhmm wonder how that would feel up my A hole, then you're a wrong one or you really need to get some. Either way I just don't know how you'll look at little Becky again next time she's innocently playing make believe and you're suddenly plagued with the memory of Edith down the road with her dildo gas mask on handing you an anal pony tail to cork your exit, soz. #passmyanalpony #reignbowbutplug #mylittlesexpest
Number 4) Vibrating Pleasure Periscope - Just Wow! I am a really curious person and I don't know how I feel about this, I genuinely feel that this was made by an over thinker. Purely because it's the kind of weird, unnecessary, random shit I would come up with. Even I can appreciate how tapped that is and that's saying something I'm sure. Each to their own, but I really don't know anyone who would get half way through a sesh and go 'oop, wait, no, hang on Sue, just going to have a look at your left ovary it's looking a bit squiffy here' like yeah Jim that might be because you're pile driving my nether regions with a piece of scientific equipment, I AM NOT A SUBMARINE!. Just what you need, to feel as insecure about your insides than you do on the out, can you get spanks for the cervix? Also the reviews on this one don't seem that great, shocker, there's a lot of use of the term 'the liquid seeped into the view', if there's one thing you don't want to hear about a 2 way vagina vibrating mirror contraption, it is that it leaks and your partner isn't satisfied with the view. Sorry. #cervixspanx #pleasureperiscope #spotyoursoul #vagviewer
Number 5) Squildo - Last but by NO means least, this may be a personal un-favourite if you will, but this thing strikes a fear that resonates so deeply within me its ironic. This is the most terrifying thing I have EVER came across and I must say it is the most disturbing on the list to me.
Now I know this may only be a vibrator to some people, but unless you are some creepy bestialitist devil worshiping freak, or one of those odd ones who likes to fall in love with train stations and marries microwaves and shit, then you too will share my disgust with a KRAKEN vibrator. SERIOUSLY who looks at a mythological, life ending, eight tentacled murder beast, with suction cups on it's slimy leg things like giant eels and it's weird f***ing wisker face looking like an angry old man who can't control his beard and thinks, 'Ah I know, let me make a little versions so I can shove it up my vagina' THAT WONT MAKE YOU SAFE WHEN THE END IS NIGH GIRL!!! Get your mind out the ocean and into therapy. Far too much for me that lark.
I think those 5 are enough for tonight, I'm off to bed to probably have some pretty disturbing nightmares and contemplate the species I belong to.
Until next time, don't be a stranger and stay safe.
x.x
