Okay, it's the 4th of January, you feel fat, sluggish and a disgrace to the family name. You've already told your best mate her cookings shit and had it out with the neighbour for shagging too loud when you had a hangover, what's left to do?
Make yourself feel less disgusting by reading about the creepy kinky bastards out there (if you're one of them atleast you'll know you aren't alone).
I'm not going to lie I just wanted a little run down with you all and I thought shall we have a bit of a giggle, yep, lets do it. So without further a due, a read I present to you, weirdest sex acts continued...
Lets start this one off easily shall we, with 'The Mexican Pancake'
Alright so this is pretty tame which still doesn't mean that it's something you would want 😂 unless you love facials? Oh you do, okay well here's one for you.
So you just gave your man (or A man) a blowjob, lifes going good, you've got that shit down to a fine art, so what would be more sexual than swallowing his man smoothie? Letting him cum allllll over your face, okay we've all heard worse... done worse maybe 👀. But THEN instead of cleaning it off in the sexiest and least awkward way possible what are you going to do? Be handed a towel, a babywipe? NO! You're going to sit there looking like the fucking hannibalectar and let that shit dry! You're then going to peel it off like a deep cleansing charcoal face mask and be grateful for the privilege. And how are you going to express this gratitude I hear no one ask? Well my lovely angelic little darling, you are going to eat it... like a cold, off, pancake! Mm mm, enjoy!!
Eskimo Trebuchet
So you've all heard of the goat right? I mean if you're reading this I'm HOPING you have the same taste in weird shit and movies as me, and you will have seen the film 'waiting' if not, good luck with this one. So basically a guy does the goat, for those of you who don't know, the ram is where a man pokes his dick through his legs backwards so it looks like it's coming out of his ass, kind of like when they tuck it in so it looks like some kind of mangina, because apparently that's what a vagina looks like 🤷♀️. Then the woman (or man) gives them a blowjob from behind, so your nose is in their ass - splendid! Then the guy farts so basically bloody suffocating you via shit ghost, thus making you throw up all over his dick. But it doesn't stop there my beauty, oh no no no. He then, in an act of pure love and kindness, as to thank you for putting up with this, pardon the pun - shite. Turns around, flinging his dick forward and flicking your own deep throat anal sick all over your face, and thus ends said sex act - romantic huh?
Kentucky Tractor Puller 😂
This just NEEDED a laughing face emoji in the title! It's quite frankly one of the most hilarious visuals I've ever had in my entire 26 years of living. And it's oh so simple! So here goes. 2 people having anal, fair enough about 60% of the population could be involved in this right? But then the receiver clenches their bumcheeks and runs around with the penis in their ass. That's it, it really is that simple. But come one if you don't have a visual of someone running round flapping their arms like Roger from American dad then you need to get somenimagination. Or try crawling in my head my friend and be on the wave length because this shit, is priceless. Not to mention hard work, as if getting anal gives you the control to leg it round with the dick in tow like your playing fucking tug of way. You're going to break your O ring and then what hm? Cos I wouldn't want to go the hospital with anyone trying to explain that one... but I'd love to watch them try 😂.
Denver Dripping Donkey Doorknob
Why? Because I just don't feel like these have been weird enough clearly eating a cum face mask and having fart sick pinged across your face isn't strange enough. So the denver dripping donkey door knob is kind of a 1 man show so to speak. It's an odd little one, kind of what you'd imagine Stiffler from American pie (is there any other worth mentioning?) to come up with just to wind Jim up and Jim actually end up doing it. So a guy masturbates all over a doorknob (🤷♀️ maybe they're sexy) and stands patiently waiting until someone opens it from the other side. And when they do, what does he do? Whip up his pants and act as if he did nothing? No of course not, was this entitled danger wank? I don't think soooo. Instead, he whips his pants down, bends over and somehow shits all over the poor unsuspecting persons crotch. Because boys will be boys. So you best hope your mum isn't in when you decide you want to shit on someones clean crotch because that would be one awkward family dinner you pervy bastard you.
And lastly for this one, because I think this may tip the scales from interested to morbidly disturbed...
Space dock Fondue
Because this was just wrong on not one, not two, but all levels. Let me just say to you if you think shit and sex don't go together, then you're right. But also, according to some people shit+swinging= good old group fun!
So! A woman lays holding her vagina open (that's right, like all them memes of the pre stuffed chickens) while a man, who was taken a (preferably) light laxative SHITS in the womans baby hole! Filling the 'space dock fondue pot' good and proper. But this lovely odeurve doesn't stop here you curious little weirdos, oh no! Next each man at the party (best not to be at a family/friends party I'm guessing) takes a turn at dipping his hard member into this 'fondue pot'. Lets just call a spade a spade it's a shit filled fanny hole. And THEN they go and fuck their girlfriends!!! Seriously this is real and even I am scarred for life guys! So can we just discuss a minute and say this must be pre meditated right? Because not only is the woman perfectly okay with offering up her flower to all kinds of diseases and infections, but the first guy needs a laxative tobhand before any of this goes down and the others need to be actually TURNED ON by this! THEN their partners need to be perfectly happy and WILLING to be shit fucked by a dirty, the dirtiest of dicks going. Because this shit could NEVER have been an accident, seriously if anyone wants me to ever look up the origins of these I will do my very best! Try and imagine ANY situation where this could EVER happen. You're at a lovely dinner party, things start getting wild, your friend offers your fella a viagra which turns out to be meds for his bowel movements. Next thing he tries to go the toilet, he wont make it! The door is locked and there isn't a bucket, bowl or cup in sight, what's the closest thing to it? I know! Listen wifey on your back and spread em, you said sickness and health, better for worse. He does it, the other guys in the room see this and weirdly get turned on! The air changes (probably due to the floating faeces whipping round the room) and the fellas form an ordely queue, they want in on this shit (literally). They dip it, each one of them. Seeing this, their wives and girlfriends aren't hurt or angry at the cheating, they aren't worried or grossed out by the shit filled girl or the fact that their partner just whipped their love stick in a defecate filled vagina, no, they too, want a piece of this action. The whole room goes wild and what ensues is the craziest and literally dirtiest orgy going. I'm sorry but no! Vile vile volatile! If you're into this type of stuff, as I always say, you do you, but keep all of your you, away from me and mine. Eh thankya and goodnight!
Now some of these had me in hysterics and some shocked me to my absolute core! But i hope you enjoyed them because you are a curious weirdo like me and if not, it aint my fault you're still here 🤷♀️ must have liked some of it right?
But until next time my lovelies.
Don't be a stranger and stay safe.
x x