So as you may or may not know, my mum and dad split up when I was 12, no boohoo poor me, it's life and they were absolutely toxic together I got to the point I had a sixth sense when they were going to argue whem I'd stay out! But I think the reason their dynamic worked for the 15 or so years they were together was because my mum kind of put herself on the back burner and was the mother as well as held down her job as a carer, where as my dad held the role of work and... prankster. So she was the grown up and my dad loved to royally take the piss. So in true Christmas spirit I'm going to relay a few of the Christmas pranks he did to us (me, my brother and my friends).
We all know about the Christmas poo prank so we can side step on that one.
One Christmas me and my oldest brother went to his house and had really big boxes, they were FULL of Styrofoam peanuts and there was sod all in there. 3 minutes go by, nothing. 4 minutes go by, Nothing. FIVE MINUTES OF SEARCHING AND STILL NOTHING! We both looked at him watching us eagerly like we were unwrapping his presents. So I went "DAD, there's sod all in here" he goes "of course there is keep searching" another 2 minutes of searching after 3 minutes unwrapping also, and FINALLY we found them. There was ONE celebration in the bottom of the box. He was in hysterics! I wasn't phased. I got a malteaser, our David got a galaxy truffle. Blah my dad was made up!
Another year he got me a number of lovely lovely prezzies, I was absolutely made up! Then I unwrapped my lovely soap, my ass face soap. I'd love to say he got me it because he was helping me differentiate. However he was insulting me... in true Bert fashion.
There was also a year he got my best mate a present too! Which was the one that caused the most controversy. He didn't want to leave her out I mean c'mon he refers to her as his surrogate and punches her in the arm or messes up her hair every single time he sees her (that my other mate is jealous of because it means he cares more about her 😂). So he got her a little something, and then she opened the other ones. Fart nickers? This is because my best mate is a bit of a scatty one, she would fart, burp, attempt to whistle whatever you can do! And she wouldn't care who it was in front of either. I swear growing up her catch phrase was "I've got a wedgie" so you can guess the kind of floopy person she was/is she's not dead! So we all had a good laugh and she took them home and put them on her memory board. Well her dad knocked kn her door and came in. He asked why she had a pair of nickers on the wall, and what did she say "Gem's dad got me them for Christmas". Now I don't care how close your kid is to someone else, how long they have known their parents or how well and come by ah everything is! If a grown ass man gets you 15 year omd daughters UNDERWEAR you're going to see red flags bigger than the fucking empire state building.
He started flipping "why did Gemma's dad get you them?" "What are they doing there?" "WHY HAVE YOU HUNG THEM UP?!". Seeing the despair in his eyes and the absolute panic she finally realised how this looked and corrected herself. "Dad it was a joke, they're fart nickers, the hole is in the bum part look" and she had to get them off and show him them with a friggin explanation. A 'funny' present turned almost pervert hunt, signature move from my dad. Good one Bert.
And my favourite ever. It wasn't so much a prank but a 'Christmas miracle' for me from both my parents.
I was an only child until I was 9 and for those of you who also are you know just how lonely this can actually be, especially on Christmas!
Luckily for me I have a big family. And me my mum and my dad used to go to my aunties (mums sister) and uncles of a weekebd quite often and I was really close to my cousins. There was 3 of them (still is) and one was my age so I always had a great time there. This year we stayed over on Christmas ever. This was unplanned and I flat out REFUSED to go to sleep because how would Father Christmas know where to put my presents if I wasn't home? I went to bed anyway after my parents and auntie and uncle told us we all have to go to bed and my Mum and Dad both assured me that Father Christmas would know where I am, after all he can travel right around the globe in one night how could he not know where I was staying right? So I reluctantly went to bed not believing for one second that my presents were going to turn up. Now at some point of this stubborn moment in my life I must have fell asleep and when I woke up my cousin's were all really excited. My oldest cousin woke my youngest cousin up, she started crying because she didn't properly understand it, I woke my cousin up who was my age and we ran downstairs so fast. Now I saw three big piles of presents and I didn't pay much attention to the other pile I just sat there watching them opening their presents feeling possibly the most sorry for myself I've probably ever felt as a child (and I was a dramatic one) and feeling so up set that santa hadn't been.
Until! One of my parents, can't remember which one said "well, aren't you going to open yours?" With that my mouth fell open at the absolute shock that father Christmas had actually remembered me! A HUGE smile spread across my face and I started ripping them open. Toy after toy, everything I'd asked for, and everything I didn't ask for but definitely needed or wanted (thanks mum you're a good egg). Now this is one of my most absolutely cherished memories, because Christmas was always fun, of course it was. But opening presents with other kids, all enjoying each others company and playing together, and on top of that feeling so special and 100% believing in the big man from the North Pole, it was always a magical one.
Now lets look at this from an adults point of view. My mum and dad (and possibly aunty and uncle) were all absolutely TRASHED on Christmas Eve, that's why I was so sad I wouldn't get my presents. But they still walked a good 15 minutes each way with all these presents (because drunk human. Strong like hulk) and probably wrapped them and all, then stuck them under the tree, and THEN got up early with us all to celebrate. They looked happier than I even probably did. And that is my FAVOURITE lie I've ever been told 😂 in my whole entire life.
I thought I had more Christmas pranks by my dad but unfortunately not, my mind has drawn quite a blank. But I hope you enjoyed these none the less, because I loved reliving them.
If you have any, feel free to tell me them i love pranks and adults acting ridiculous because mental maturity doesn't mean letting your inner child die right?
Thanks a lot for reading you beautiful little smushes, and until next time...
Don't be a stranger, and stay safe 😘😘😘
x.x
NNBu