So the New Year is fast approaching us all, and when I say fast approaching I mean since about May it's felt like the months have came quicker than my ex.
I'm human which means that every January 1st each year I make all these promises to myself that I'm probably not even going to bother with, at least until April. I say April because we have January which is the month you're getting back to normal wage wise usually, I like to call it food bank month. Then Feb I have valentines day and my dads birthday, yes even though I'm forever single I still adore valentines day. March, well BIRTHDAY MONTH, brothers birthday too and St Patricks day. Then we hit April and I suppose we're okay to start now.
I called this new year new me because lets be honest, how many times do we hear that in the run up to new year, then 6 months into being the new you, you're still the same pain in the ass you always were except the new you is just the old you with a mood on because you didn't do the shit you said you would from the start?! Now you're sat there with more spare tyres than an AA van, ciggy in mouth, drunk texting your fucker of an ex because you've been facebook stalking his new girlfriend and have came to the conclusion that he isn't over you.
My goals are quite straight forward this year coming, because they are actually things I have set in my mind and want to achieve. There is a big difference because I usually make a resolution just so I can say I actually have one. But truth be told I usually treat my birthday like my new year, because to me it is, it's much more symmetrical to use the day I have tumbled through another year rather that when I am 9 months further on if you get me?
My goals for 2019 are :-
My Blog - This is the biggest change I have made this year, scrap the job, scrap the show, scrap everything, for me personally this blog is everything I've ever said I would do but haven't. Keeping it up and running it constantly has been keeping me really sane lately (okay not really sane but I'm at least 50% less likely to throat punch a bitch for making my cup of tea wrong - I'm British, a bad brew is as bad as treason here!). I think that all them psychics are right and I am a creative, and I never thought that tarot reader would be speaking any sense when he told me that I would end up being known for writing and it would 'fulfil' me. I'm not exactly known for this lark, but who gives a shit, it's a good way to get the crazy out without actually getting in any trouble or attracting the local moustache lady over because she thinks I'm one of them - not because I have a pure handle bar tash going on but because I deffo don't look like I'm altogether there... and I'm not, but I swear she was going to lick my neck on the bus and I just don't need that so hopefully keeping to this will keep them vibes at bay?
An actual decent man? This one I've been after for quite a while but I always end up putting myself on a man ban, but can you blame me after the fellas I've dated - actually strike that, manchildren is what they are. From the stalking exes (8 months of stalking people!) to the hair transplant wannabe who announced he was going to shag me, to the cheats and coke heads, and the guy who was in love with me in the middle of our first date - you name the disaster and I've probably dated it's creator babe! Seriously dating disasters is going to be a thing on here!
I want, no I'm going to meet a decent fella with his shit together. Is it impossible to find a lad who doesn't have mummy issues, but also isn't a complete mummies boy? I've gone from a fella who's mum absolutely hated me because I was taking her baby away (seriously keep him, any fella who takes that long doing his hair doesn't need a girl anyway) and stood there snarling me in her dressing gown in her hallway the first time I met her like it was a fucking Mexican stand off, to being in a relationship with a fella who's mum gave him up and he took it out on the women he was seeing (note WOMEN plural, he was NOT a one woman man, so if you're reading fuck you you flaccid dick little shit). I wont settle for anything less than a man who has ambition! I was going to say job but I know everyone can fall on hard times and that really isn't fair. But if he's willing to sit in his boxies all day not even handing out a CV so he can sit at home and mooch off his mum, dad and me while I'm expected to shag him an all... sorry mate no, that shits going to make me lose MY erection. Basically I want a fella with a job, loyalty, sense of humour, bit of spontaneity and relationship dick who knows how to use it! Relationship dick for those of you who don't know, is a decent trouser snake, one you'd learn the friggin snake dance to tango with. A good penis is the sign of a good man, also one who doesn't ask "am I good" would be great. You should know if you're good, I don't fake shit, if you think you're shit, you're shit. Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm just saving everyone that awkward side eye here as much as I can. So there we have it... I'm also into looks, not only looks, but who isn't? If you say you JUST go for personality either you're a liar or you're blind, no one looks at a person who looks like an elbow and goes "ooh ye I wana get up in his sexy personality later, yeah boy!!", you don't, so just stop lying.
No bullshit, soon as the drama comes in it's getting hoofed out quicker than a husband who's caught getting ridden bare back midweek by his side chick because he thought his wife was at work! I mean this one, I will just carry on as I mean to go. This past year I have cut out more people than I care to remember, including one really close "friend", my exes other gf (yes this is exactly what it sounds like, she ended up getting back with the cheating rat, NO girl code, hope she knows he's been trying to look at my social media again), and a certain perskn who's relationship with myself I wont mention because they'd love the notice, someone who thinks they are better than the rest of us mere mortals - mate we all had the same shitty cheap ass butties and council pop (tap water) growing up, don't act like you shit bricks of 24 carrat. Any drama that is within my control, I'll dump, so whether it's a man I really like, family or friend, if it isn't helping me positively grow mentally, emotionally or physically then it gots to go, because life is far too short and so is my patience. I hope other people take stock of this, surround yourself with as much positivity as you can, that doesn't mean you have to be a cheerleader 24 7, but just try find people who nurture your good shit instead of piss on your parade. That's right, look for good shit rather than bad piss...
To tone back up, I'm not bothered about weight, I never really have been, I want to have great muscle tone and feel comfortable walking round in a bikini on my hols rather than jiggle on my way to the scales to be told I've lost 3lb since my last period, no thanks. Besides I always feel personally victimised by scales on the count of me being a short arse, it's like what would be a normal weight for most women my age is suddenly an obese weight because I haven't grown since I was 11 but my boobs have never stopped, seriously my bras weigh about 1lb-3lb each! I used to have the best body, not in the world clearly because lets face it I love alcohol and carbs too much. I used to do my weighted hula hoop every single day and loved it, stopped due to a suspected bruised kidney by my doctor (although I probably shouldn't have listened, this is the same woman who told me to go on the pill before getting an ultra sound for PCOS which completely halted the process and told me I was pregnant over the phone when I hadn't even left her with a test...). We all know what it's like when you stop doing something like a workout for a while, I'm sure there's a statistic somewhere, if not I'll make it up that you're 95% less likely to pick up a workout when you haven't done it for a week or so haha! I'll attach some photos under here of what my body was like when I was doing my weighted hula workouts in case anyone is interested. FYI the picture of the bruise collage is the bruises off my hula hoop, start off and ease your way into it. I didn't pay attention and didn't give myself a break and the bruises just got worse, hence the suspected bruised Kidney by Dr Dipshit. So use my stupidity as a little advice nugget, don't rush and when you get bruises take a break.
Take time out to destress and NOT over think - I NEED this. People think that because I nap every day I must be super chilled, but it's actually quite the opposite. I constantly over think to the point I can't control the words coming out. Seriously just today me and my best mate were watching the grinch and the wheels of disaster started turning, I saw the dog and the grinch and thought, but is the Grinch an animal? do his REAL parents like Christmas? Because they didn't get bullied by a little fat kid for having a beard at 8 years old, and laughed at by the class for shaving it off wrong? why didn't dr seuss make a grinch family movie? When he made Horton hears a who, why was it a different mayor of whoville? Is there a different whoville on every speck? And what about the dog Max? He's a dog, do dogs bark in their own language or are they barking in English because that's the country they arre in? Or do they all speak in bark and know what it means? Do dogs and cats understand each other or is it lke a bark is English and a meow is Chinese? if humans were just like animals and couldn't talk what noise would we make? I think we would sound like monkeys but I don't know... and the questions literally just keep on coming and before you know it I'm looking up how people decided to make words and is a fly called a fly because it flies or is flying called flying because flies do it? But that's another story it's to do with Dipterans, look it up. But this is how my head works on a regular basis and sometimes I have to force myself to sleep to avoid the ever going questions, I feel like the annoying God of wisdom in Gods of Egypt who needs to know the ins and outs of a cabbages ass hole when I get like this. SO de-stress, and in order to do this I am continuing Krav Maga, working out and also going to commit to meditating using the headspace app at least 3 times a week to avoid myself being admitted into the local mental asylum. My Krav Maga master tells us you need Yin and Yang in life, so when doing a high exhilarating work out that is very aggressive, you should also meditate or do something calming and relaxing to balance out your chakras. So that's what I'm going to do, meditate and shit
Do more and see more of my family - self explanitory really isn't it? Because lets be honest, we all get so side tracked with life that we start to let visiting family fade into the back ground until you're only seeing your own brothers and sisters at big family events like weddings... and funerals of people you hadn't seen in months but they passed away while you were always planning on going to see them 'next week' the irony is painful. Sometimes that time doesn't come because we're so busy with life we miss it, and the people who make it so important. The crazy characters and the logical wise ones, you can't buy time or memories so one of my BIGGEST goals for not just next year but always, is to be as involved with family things as I can (I go to pretty much every family thing and party etc I can) and to just see the people who are most important to me. Sometimes working out will fall by the wayside or a bit of meal prep, but who needs meal prep and abs when you can go get a pizza and gossip with your mum even though you clash, or go grab a Chinese with your dad, or go the pics with your brother. Just spending my time wisely is massive to me, and seeing family and friends is the wisest thing to me :). (Even when we so blatantly want to strangle each other, ahhh the times you want to put relatives in a choke hold, you really can't buy that shit).
Hopefully expand my creative side and network - meet new people in the blog community and broaden my horizons because life is for living and if there is anything this past year has taught me, that is that people come in all different shapes, sizes, mind types, genders, races, religions, beliefs and passions, and every single one of them is a new adventure waiting once you just open your mind up to getting to know them. That doesn't mean I'll like or want to meet anyone and everyone, seriously fellas who like to spank the money to girls profile pictures (yes that's happened to me) and people who like to sniff seats please don't come parading over to me, we will NOT be friends. Last thing I want is to be spraying my seat on the bus because I can be a bit of a people pleaser sometimes, and don't like the thought of my new mate deciding they don't like the smell of my ass in leather leggings. All you other non seat sniffers though, come at me, I'm approachable look...
See, I'm dead sound, I'll even make myself look a tit so yoi don't have to.. as you can see above 😁.
So there we have it folks, I think these are achievable, but I don't like to call them goals or even talk about them at all to be honest, because I am a bit of an obsessive person with these things and it's going to take a lot of sacrifice of other things. This means one day I may have to sacrifice my workout because I'm going to go see my mum or dad (who only live down the road), or I'll have to skip a meditation sesh in order to blog, because in all honesty I find this a lot more theraputic than some patronising recording of a man telling me how to breath and setting me into a mindful panic attack because lets face it, I'm also neurotic. But a bit of sacrifice is always okay, but if there's one thing we all KNOW I wont be sacrificing, it's my naps!
So what are your goals? Anything fun? Interesting? Not fun or interesting at all but important enough to do to give you a better tomorrow? Whoa easy, there I go sounding like a 1920's army recruitment advert.
Leave your links and ideas below if you want, be good to be nosey and see if people are as weird and obsessed as me, or if I'm just overly stressing myself to do everything again.
Until next time my little elves...
Don't be a stranger, and stay safe.
x.x