Naughty or nice - Gift Guide for Him ;)

That time of year is upon us, and as much as everyone loves to be in a relationship for the winter, we're kind of like bears we like to hibernate, get extremely hairy if we don't shave and if you get on our bad side, best to just play dead. A long with Christmas comes the one thing I always dreaded (when I wasn't a sad single that people turn their heads and always go "aw you'll find someone", I don't fucking want to Paula leave me alone and drink your shitty tea) and that was, buying him his Christmas presents. This wasn't because I'm tight or I'm bad at it, but it's genuinely because I just didn't ever know what to get, but as all single people like to do at things we're shit at, I'll give YOU the ideas of what to buy because if you can't do teach, right?

These are only going to be like stocking filler ideas because the likes of clothes, aftershave, shoes, sports s***, bikes and sport equipment and that are all dependent on the receiver, and lets be honest odds are I don't know your fella, if I do... this is awkward...

Lets start with our nice list because lets face it, if he isn't naughty you need this list more than anything right? Also, if your fella isn't naughty wtf do you do together? Puzzles?

1* Smokers? I'm guessing if he's Mr Innocent he wont really be into smoking, but you just never know sexually frustrated people need something to do with their mouths I suppose. I think I speak on behalf of smoker everywhere when I say, if you get them a pack of ciggies they will be happy, it's a tenner saved and it's deffo going to get used so, win win. Also personalised lighter - again smokers are really easy people to buy gifts for, so maybe a personalised lighter so when his mates rob it on a night out he can have them right off because his stamp will be on it, you just wolfed the shit out of that, it's like pissing on a tree... that's his right there! Make sure this is a zippo lighter because there isn't much more frustrating than trying to light a ciggy and the wind just completely f***ing you off by blowing out your lighter just as you can see the tip of the ciggy turning orange (sly arse).

2* Games - Gamer boyfriends, easiest ones - get them absolutely anything to do with games. Seriously a computer chair with the turbo boost stuff, new pads (because apparently there's a big difference when one shakes, we all have vibrators, so I can't argue that they're wrong), maybe you stand outside for 12 hours to get them that new game that everyone is paying £60 for so they can all argue on line about who's shitter than who and who cheated. But whatever, it keeps him still while you get him to agree to shit he can't remember doesn't it? Win win :).

3* Season ticket to the match - Look I don't know your fella like I said but odds are, he watches footy, if not get him tickets to a boxing fight he wants to see, rugby match, cricket, f***ing ballet what ever he wants, because in all honesty it's a scientific fact humans prefer experiences rather than possessions and I've never heard a man moan about his Mrs or Fella getting him a ticket to his favourite team/person/bands gig, because it shows you care and you pay attentions, also if he wants to be away for you for a day... winner.

4* A nice watch - okay so this one can be a main prezzy, but I just love watches, I don't know what it is I love about them so much. Oh wait yes, yes I don. It's because a man with a watch HAS SOMEWHERE TO F***ING BE! And a man with a job is a sexy man. Alright not necessarily but it's a man with his shit at least slightly together and lets be honest you can't beat a nice watch it just finishes off every outfit, I think a watch for a man is like ea rings for a girl isn't it?

5* Alcohol - Yes nice guys like alcohol too! Can you really beat it? It does the job, it's deffo something you will use and it's festive... slap a bow on it there you go moaning arse?!

Now my favourite one, The Naughty List...

1* Lingerie, because lets be honest that's a treat for both of you. Cheat tip, watch a lot of films with sex scenes in together (not porn like when do they ever wear lingerie long enough to see it?) and see what lingerie he acts the most objective toward... that's the one he likes, get that one... or leave a VS or Ann Summers catalogue around and let him choose his favourite, get it and BING, it's like a bow... you're the present.

2* SEX TOYS! Because what fella doesn't like to experiment sexually... little piece of advice, make sure this one isn't opened at the big family present swap, nothing more awkward than your fellas nan unwrapping the vibrators you got to play with and thinking it's a neck massager (Come on Bernie we all know you're a filthy bitch how else do you get 7 kids).

3* If you're out there - Night in a swingers club, why not?

Look each to their own and if that's the case and you're out there then why not book in somewhere you can experiment freely? You can get your own play room so you don't have to share if that's your script? If not and you want to explore, I mean you could walk round watching like a pair of lurkers, or you could s**g in public but I wouldn't fancy some pervy old man who looked like me old English teacher gawping at me and my fella doing the nasty. You could experiment with other people, I couldn't cos if someone touched my fella they'd be getting bit! But if you're up for it, a little idea for you there. I'll even find you one if you like (Article Idea hahaha).

4* Willy Care Kit - More funny than rude or naughty but you do get an evening wear willy necklace type thing, looks slightly beaded so maybe it feels good by his hood? Comes with styling shears, sprucing mirror and fluffing brush, because nothing says I love you more than tidy up your d*** there's a big occasion coming.

5* What every man wants when they think they can handle more than they can - a ring for sex bell. Because what gets you hornier than your fella ringing a bitchy little bell to come hither and open thine legs? In all fairness I think this is a laugh and you know, if your into that dom/sub shit who knows? Could be good for a bit of roll play. And for those of you who have kids, a little bell everytime the kids have been asleep long enough or when someones just got back from dropping them off at their mates couldn't really hurt could it. Ring Ring sex line <3 Love It <3

These are my little ideas anyway, I mean you didn't really think these would all be serious right? I'm going to be bringing you these little nuggets each day up until Christmas and I hope everyone likes them, if you don't may I advise you don't read the other ones... in other words f*** off no one made you visit you ungrateful shit!

In all seriousness I hope you all have a great lead up to the holly jolly ho's day, and have fun with every single day and night that passes.

Until next time my little elfies,

Don't be a stranger and stay safe.

x.x