For so many lucky people Christmas is a time of holly jollyness, gift giving, family and friends. It's an overwhelming feeling of fuzz inside your heart and butterflies in your belly... but this story isn't going to be about that! So I know a lot of the 3 or so people who read this may be interested in my most memorable Christmas ever!
So in true Gem style we all know things went tits up quick. This may not be the cutest or longest of stories but it tends to make people giggle, whereas me, poor little me has been traumatised ever since as per usual.
Now I'm not sure if it was this Christmas where my dad had blue tac pinged off his head twice by the ghost and blamed my mum but that was bloody great non the less.
This Christmas however was going great. I was an only child until I was 9 so I didn't really want for anything. Whatever I wanted on christmas I pretty much got I was a lucky kid in that sense.
Now I had a dog, but this year I really wanted a puppy, I mean I REALLY wanted a puppy all my own. That's not discouraging my beautiful Ben, my black lab and closest thing I had to a sibling growing up bar my cousins. He was amazing, he was black with a medium sized white patch of fur on his chest, I had him from when I was 1-16 or 17 and you honestly couldn't want a better pooch, he was loyal, obedient, full of life but well behave, my dog was the king of chill, and he was protective too! To the point one day my dad had locked us out and climbed through the bathroom window and by the time he had got to the window Ben was there baring his teeth, he was just boss and everything you'd want a dog to be.
But as all kids do, I wanted a puppy. One day I saw my dad had left something on top of the microwave and he came in and saw me eying it up, so he grabbed it with both hands in an open cupping gesture and told me not to look. He rand up the stairs all secretive and content with the gift he had concealed in his palms. So I, in my young mind thought OMG THIS IS MY PUPPY!!! I shouted up That's my puppy isn't it it is!! And my dad replied "no it's bloody not". Now not being funny or nothing but who's mum and dad did this, because mine did every single year! They'd say they couldn't afford something or the shop was out of whatever I wanted etc and Christmas day BANG there it was.
So I had this silly smug smirk plastered across my face for days, nay, weeks! Then Christmas rolled around, and for everyone who knows my dad, they know... this man is a shit! He's just a shit and really gets his kicks out of winding his kids up, his neices and nephews, even my best mate gets roped into it and punched in the arm every time he sees her (she loves it really, assures her she really is one if the fam). But they weren't there on Christmas.
I was sat by the tree with my mum and dad, glowing with Christmas glee! One present left. This was a small box with absolutely no holes in but I was like yep, this is fucking it, this is my new dog! (Sadistic little shit clearly who would put a dog in a box with no airholes, I was thick!).
I got all hopped up, I unwrapped it at lightening speed. It was a party popper box. Now I LOVED party poppers, did I mention I was a weird kid? So I opened it expecting this little brown doggy... but WHAT did I find??
A big, realistic, hand to God FAKE SHIT! My dad the evil ass, had took time out of his day in the busy Christmas period to go out and buy the most realistic fake poo money could buy. I deffo recon he spent a good £5-£10 on it. I sulked and sulked and refused this my dad let out this eeeeeevil cackle! He was saying it's fake it's fake, but I didn't touch it, I refused! I was CONVINCED my own dad had sat squatted over abd dropped a deuce in a party popper box, wrapped it up and give me it on Christmas day... me, his 7/8 year old daughter. It took him to pick this up for me to eventually believe him.
I never touched it, to this day. But that guys is MY most memorable Christmas. I still can't look at a box of party poppers without thinking of that realistic brown snake in the box.
He really did torment me, who needs siblings when you have parents like mine eh??
I'd love to know some other peoples most memorable Christmas stories. No matter how fluffy or vulgar I love memories. So if you have any you want to share, please let me know, I can't be the only one surely 😂.
Hope this raised your spirits guys and dolls, and for those of you who may be wondering. No! They did not get me a puppy! But I'm good with that, 5 years or so later we got our Stella the crazy bull mastif and I wouldn't have changed her for the world 💖.
Until next time my little yetty and yettas,
Don't be a stranger and stay safe.
x x