Really if you are offended by limericks move away now and don't read on, I wanted to do something I thought was a bit more fun and definitely a bit more me, so as per usual this is a bit dirty. I find making words and sentences rhyme quite easy so thought, eh, why not lets have some adult themed fun.
An open letter to santa - this is NOT for children and it isn't for anyone who is even remotely prudish! That being said if you want a bit of a naughty, pointless laugh (as I usually do) then read on and I hope you all enjoy :D.
There once was a girl, alone and quite blue,
She was quite a bit bitter, she was single too.
It was Dec 24th, and she didn't want to be alone,
So she downloaded Tinder, onto her phone.
So she edited and edited, She swiped and she swiped,
Past all Jay and Terry's, Every Paul every Mike,
None of these men, are good enough to lay,
I'm deleting this app, if I don't find one today.
So she sent a list to santa, and on it it read,
Santa I need a man, who can handle me in bed!
I don't want a micro penis, I don't want to dry hump,
I want to be stricktly dickly, I need a Christmas jump!
"I want a man with muscles, I want a man with facial hair,
I want a man who's well endowed, you know, right downstairs".
"I want a man with a good job, I want a man who's butch,
I want a man who makes me shake, everytime we touch,
I want a smile of pearly whites, I want eyes that make me melt,
I want a nice back and loyalty, I want him to feel everything as well!"
"I want a lover and a boyfriend, I want a man that knows my worth,
But most of all, I want a man, with quite a lot of girth"
"Don't you see santa I'm lonely, and for Christmas all I want is a man,
I don't need diamonds, I don't need riches, just do the best you can.
I'm sitting here, wine in hand, I'm praying for him on this date,
Of December 25th, please send me my soul mate".
"I'll never ask for anything else, not a single thing,
I wont ask for a brand new phone, or a diamond ring,
I don't need the material goods, I don't need the house or car,
Please just send a man who's love for me will reach the furthest star.
So Santa found the list, and he started to write back,
"Young lady it's not a man you need, it's a toy you lack,
I sent this to my elves today, they have it in their shop,
once you get the batteries, you wont need a man on top"
"I'll be honest with you darling, listen here my dear,
Men will come and go in life, but vibrators will be here,
You don't need them in your heart, you just pop it in your drawer,
and when it starts to wear out lovely, you simply go buy more".
"So here's my gift to you my pet, go out and leave it to my elf,
go to the pub and meet your friends, go enjoy yourself,
Then when you get back good and drunk and see you've spent your wealth,
Just go to bed, count your blessings, and then go love thyself"
"He signed it with a wink, and she thought "well this guy does know best",
It wasn't down to love, she needed to get the lust off her chest"
So with that she went to bed, and when she heard the jingle bells ring,
She got up for her presents, leapt out of bed with a spring!
And surely enough on Christmas morning, she ran down to open her gifts,
and there was one medium box with a tag line reading "Love Santa, Try this x",
So she ran up to her room and she did it, with plenty erotica to read,
and when she was done she rolled over and sighed "Merry Christmas indeed".
No moral... I'm just sayin 😘
I ho ho hope you all enjoyed this, it was only a quick one. I saw people saying about Christmas stories and as good as I am at story telling it would have taken me a long time. Besides the stories I tell are true stories of my life, not made up ones about Father Christmas. So I thought how can I intertwine the whimsy of Christmas with what we actually love doing as adults, plus I'm single so lets just not depress myself with stories of couples on Christmas (haha, I'm not really sad about it, I save a TONNE of money, also the parties ;)). This was just bit of fun and I thought it was a bit more me than a list, or a haul or anything else which I might end up doing.
Anywhooo...
I hope you all enjoyed it, and enjoy yourselves.
Until next time my little buzzing elfies, don't be a stranger and stay safe :D.
x.x