Alright, so we've all been there, where you don't know what to say to the opposite sex. I barely know what to say to the same sex so the opposite sex has and probably always will baffle me. As well as women never understanding men, what we don't understand even more is how THEY don't know what NOT to say to us!!
So let me be your little self help guide and run a few things by you, a few scenarios yes?
So a woman is getting her regular visit from her period, her aunt flow, (side note if a woman and her friend refer to TOM, we're usually talking about her Time Of Month babes, not an actual man called Tom. Know the difference) the red dragon... what is the ONE thing we don't want to hear apart from "you don't look bloated" Because yes I f***ing do Jake, get your bifocals on because if I can't fit into this size 10 you need to run in a zig-zagging motion for lying to me you selfish f***er, I'm sorry, I'm not! The ONE thing we DON'T want to hear from YOU is "you're just being hormonal!". I'm sorry? WHAT?! Now guys I don't think you fully understand what beast you are unleashing here on the account that you have NEVER experienced the terrifying, soul destroying agony that is a period! You are asking, no, you are BEGGING for a fully fledged gruesome, no holds barred step by step description in the most dramatic way ever, of how our lining is being TORN from our UTERUS, we BLEED for 5-7 days every. single. month! So if I want to shout, and scream and eat ice cream for breakfast and an ibuprofen-wine cocktail for tea, then leave me to it and just count your blessings that I haven't she hulked and murdered you by suffocation from the dirty sock you left OUTSIDE THE WASHING BASKET last November BECAUSE I REMEMBERED. That's right, wel allllllways remember. An ELEPHANT never forgets!
Another thing we DON'T want to hear "You don't need makeup"
Oh alright Steve's mate-what's-his-face. I met you twice, once at a party when I was rotten and once at the Aldi after I had a nap. I STILL HAD MAKEUP ON! You don't know me. You don't know my face. You say you can tell I'm naturally pretty? Mate you said you loved the way my eyes naturally sparkle and how fresh my clear skin is. Eye drops and concealer bud! If you want me to go 100% au naturale then by all means I will and the next time you not so subtly ask me out for a drink, I'll come without any personal grooming. I hope you like wining and dining with the the love child of chewwy and captain caveman. Because I'm telling you now the only thing smooth at that dinner will be the lines you're spewing. Choke on your words as well as my uncombed stray hair balls you smug f***er.
"You're just not THAT type of girl, it's okay"
First off, dafuq?! I don't f***ing want to be!
When a man says this the very first thing we think is, WHO THE FUCK IS THEN??? Secondly it's oh alright then, f*** you shit face! The reason we silent treat you isn't because we think oh I know what will get to him, if I say NOTHING. No. Because we know what an arrogant spoilt rude little b*****d wants, is for us to be quiet so he can do and say as he pleases. No we do it because we're mulling it over. We're thinking about the most sane response we can give without snapping. We're trying not to shout, we're trying not to scream, we're trying not to cry. We're trying not to bin, bleach or burn your shit with fire. But most importantly, we're trying not to laugh, because let me tell you something now, if we're angry, a laughing woman... is a dangerous woman! If we're laughing when we should be any of the above then you need to run because we have a whole array of scenarios zooming through our pretty little heads and in one of them we have just discovered a way to kill you and make it look like an accident and we wont even feel guilty, because that's what your type of girl would feel like, and like YOU said. "I'm not that type of girl...and that's okay" 😈. Trust me chickaboo, just do us all a favour and don't say it.
"Why can't you just let it go?" 🤷♀️
This question guys. This one rhetorical little question is the nuclear bomb of relationships. You want to end a relationship just use this little number. This question right here is catastrophic. You want your wife of 6 years to remember that fight that almost ended you 2 months into your relationship, then please by all means use this. Want her to remember your ex stroking your shoulder like the home wrecking slag she is when she congratulated you on your engagement? Again here you go.
These 7 little words, are GUARANTEED to turn your loving caring understanding woman, into a long horned, shrill, she-beast! Trust me you'll be praying for the devil to take his ma back! Because the red mist will ascend and then you wont be able to see A to f***ing B because she will be up your rear like Steve Whitmere's hand up Kermits arse. I don't even want to go into this because if you are thick enough to say this to a girl then you need to have your own back! Besides the next time she riles you up and leaves your little soldier standing to attention sad and alone, while she rolls over... Can't you just let it go? 💁♀️
"As if that's all you've slept with"
This is ridiculous for several reasons, stand by while I give you them.
1* You have asked her in the first place - why the fuck do you care?! If you're lucky enough to get any why do you want to know, do you want to imagine them too?
2* You calling her an easy ride? If you ask a girl this question and she answers with less than you expected, just be f***ing happy you limp dicked moron!
3* If you have slept with her already basically what you're saying is "girl you've already been the easiest I've had, don't act like you've got standards" Seriously good job you already got your nuts from her because at this rate you'll be foraging for a while!
4* You haven't had sex but things were going well and you're genuinely surprised. Why you surprised fool? You ask a number I TELL you an answer, don't expect a full relay of information as if she's going to go "oh yeah so I peddled his face like a bike on 3rd of July. But I ended it with him after her angry dragoned me (see weirdest and funniest sex acts)". Just don't say this to a girl okay!? It's rude, crude and unless you're dating a girl who is an actual bike lying about the sitch, no good can come from it.
Last one because these are making me a right moody bitch
"Calm Down" 🤬😡🤯😡🤬
Alright now you summoned the Banshee!!!
Me calm down? After what YOU just said?!
Seriously you could have asked her what ice cream she wants for your movie night, but when you ignore her, first text, read, second text, read, third text, nothing... whoaaa yes she could be absolutely nuts. But NEVER tell a woman to calm down. Telling a female to calm down after they are wound up is literally like telling a bullet to stop after you've loaded the barrel and shot the gun! It's done, it's a done deal. You best sit and pray for superman to jump in front of this one because Russian roulette doesn't apply here. You're the only target in her eye and she's going in for the kill. Unless you're Harry Enfield, no one's going to be laughing when this is over, if she is though, well... you know what to do.
Last time a lad told me to calm down, the last argument we had came out ten fold, even that narcissist didn't stand a chance next to my firey temper. I'm sure the lad quivered over text, that scene from Shrek springs to mind, you know the one where dragon starts flapping her giant wings at poor little donkey and he's sat there shitting his little no pants thinking she's about to devour his entire head whole?? That was me and him, and I'm 5 foot. If you have a girl and you argue, just give her a little argument and let the bitch win okay, trust me it's better for everyone in the long run, you wont have to go to work in one of her skirts after she shreds all your clothes in a dead calm manor, if you have told a woman to calm down when she's riled, then you know I'm not exaggerating. Not even angry sex can fix this one.
I hope this helps in future. Seriously. Save a life, share this post!
Until next time dudes and dolls.
Don't be a stranger and stay safe.
x.x
