Kidnapped by a taxi driver. What a gent...

Okay so the real reason I started this blog was down to my disastrous dating life. Bridget Jones couldn't rival this shit. People always tell me, Gem write a book people need to hear about this, no one could be that unfortunate, but yeno what I fell head first into a bin 2 weeks ago so you can't tell me how unfortunate I can be! 💁‍♀️

So I want to tell this story but I'm going to have to change his name cos the fellas a crank and will probably try sue me for his kids christmas money or some shit, so I'm going to call him Nick.

Now I met *Nick* when I was working for a bank, I used to walk home every day and he lived on the way which I was about to find out. This was about a week after we had been broken into and I was possibly in shock but it was one of them 'I could have been killed, so live life to the fullest' kind of moments. So I was walking down on the phone to my mum and see this guy in a van, at first I thought it was my mates brother. He slowed down and I realised it wasn't so carried on walking. He then got out just in front of me (where his house was) and went to walk in, but really slow. He was staring at me, yeno giving it the old 'fuck me' eyes. He had nice dark eyes and I love brown eyes, dark hair, about 5'11 and big shoulders, so he was pretty much exactly my type to be honest - looks wise.

He goes to me "so aren't you going to give me your number then no?" And smirked. So me being the classy bird I am, goes, "oh alright then, mum hang on a minute" and gives him it. He says he will text me, I smile and go, "okay then". Pause for a sec, lets laugh dead hard at me thinking I could possibly be capable of a meet cute situation. My mum, on the other end of the phone is in complete shock and disbelief I had just given my number to a complete stranger in the street. Like it's a number mum, not my vagina, he asked for my digits, not to go halves on a baby! So after her questioning me "why did you do that? Have you ever spoke to him before?" Blah blady blah blah. I said to her "it's a number mother, no I've never even seen him before but you know what I could of been killed in my sleep last week, so I might as well do something spontanious!" I think she got the jist that this was just something I had to do... because that's like SO crazy 💁‍♀️.

So we start texting, and I can't remember what had happened but we kind of stopped talking, just completely. I feel as if we had a fall out, which given the general direction of this whole story I'm beginning to think that would be true.

Fast forward a month or two, we had still not really spoke. He put a status up on whatsapp of a picture and the word 'daddy' on it. So I ask "oh do you have a kid?" and he says he's almost 4. Now don't get me wrong here, because I understand people keep their kids a secret at first and I really understand this, keep them safe, the worlds a scary place. But this man had wanted to know the ins and outs of my ass hole, yet he FORGOT to mention the HUMAN he made? Sorry what?!

So I said "cute, you never mentioned him when we were talking" and he said he doesn't really tell girls at first. I just thought he was being the dutiful dad? Maybe he was, but after realising he's a complete head the wall, I wouldn't be surprised to learn otherwise.

We start talking again and getting on, like REALLY getting on. It was great! After the past year I'd had I kind of needed this.

He asked me out, and I of course being the ever positive little cherub I am, said yes.

He wanted to go see a film (snore) then go for drinks, so I oblige. Not that I want to see the shitty film because I remember saying the reviews were meant to be shit and it wasn't my cup of tea. So he picks me up in a taxi, after asking me if I want to meet him there or what (what a gent huh) if mine wasn't on the way to where we were going he would deffo have made me meet him there! And he tells me he doesn't think we should go see this film now because it's better to just go drink (ye no shit sherlock! double please, ye, k, thankyou, bye).

I didn't have cash on me, but I told him to stop at a machine and I'd get money out, I'm a millenial so I don't mind going Deutsch. Although with my dating history, by now I just KNOW better than to go on a date with no money, seriously how do people do it? We ended up going to a pub and it was a nice one so all was good. Until he started talking... 😒

So a first date is where you get to know someone right? This is where you decide wether or not this person is STABLE enough to see again. Not even perfect or dead fun, this is what my love life has resigned me to, these days I don't look for their money, their light heartedness, or their wit, I simply look to see if they are stable enough, so that I may one day consider the possibility of letting them lock the front door unaided.

He starts to tell me I look nice, which was nice (the air was flat. Zero chemistry), his eyes keep shifting from me to bar to floor to bar to me. I thought he was nervous maybe. He tells me how he broke up with his little boys mum about a year ago (deffo has her hidden under the floor boards). He then tells me that I am his first date since the split 🙄 because ofcouuuurse I am.

Now I was 22, I was in my prime, I had no worries in the world and gave zero fucks about anything. He was 30, had his own house, mortgage, kid, company, the lot. The prospect of an actual MAN was boss!

After telling me I was his first date and he hadn't known what to do he then asked what I did and why I was walking home that day. A bit of chit chat goes on, it was awkward seriously this man had ZERO attention span, which was funny considering he ran his own electricity company. THEN I get the story that answers all of my questions. Now I want to point out that I did not ask for this, I didn't even give him a run up to telling me this. But he then says to me "yeh, I'm an ex coke addict" I'm not talking bottles of coke either for those of you naive little bunnies out there, bless. He continues telling me "ye I was really bad on it, almost lost my house and everything, was spending grands on it" so I'm sat there, with my little ferret eyes windening 😳 the more and more he speaks thinking oh dear Lord please not another one. He literally spoke about how this almost ruined his life but he's clean now. He seemed half disappointed in himself and half proud, I'm not an ex addict so I really don't know how the reactions go. But having a 4 year old should have been enough to deter anyone in my opinion! So I, trying to keep the conversation flowing ask "oh, so how long have you been off it for then?" And he goes "since February" now we were in May (if memory serves me right). So 3 months, that's 90 days give or take that this jittery man had been 'sober' for. I say 'sober' because aren't you supposed to stay off EVERYTHING when you are an ex drug addict? And this man was proud, I swear he was practically beaming. He had lost his long term girlfriend, almost lost his son, his business, house the lot but here sitting in this little pub with our warm drinks he seemed fucking proud!

Lets just fast forward shall we? We went to another bar type thing, it was raining, somehow I ended up with a brolly which he was blatantly trying to take off me. This man was actually shouting at me because he was getting wet when he was RUNNING IN FRONT OF ME! Like what the actual fuck am I supposed to do, chase after you like Alfred shielding batman, I'm 5 foot shit for brains slow the bloodyhell down my little legs are tired and I'm trying to compose myself I mean this WAS a date right???

This guy just wanted his next drink and he wanted it NOW! So we got to the bar and as per, I ask what he wants. He gives it the old "no, no you don't buy drinks I get them". I love chivalry, call me a millenial bitch but I just love it. I still offered and would continue to offer, because as much as I love the protectiveness, I also work for a living and I don't like the thought of someone ending up skint because they've liked the look of me. I mean it's not as if they are going to get sex... but that's not how he was thinking.. 👿.

We keep drinking, and small as I am, I mean, I can drink. I can see he is clearly starting to get plastered, the drunk eye is well and trully in force 🤪. I went outside to have a ciggy and was calling my friend, he came out to get me. I was literally out there for 2 minutes if that and this big cave man was like "you're out with me. Stop ringing your mate!" and I'm a fiery one so I'm like "you don't tell me what to do! This is my phone and I'll ring who I want!" He stared at me like a fucking steak that had just tried to walk off his plate, straight fork in the eye! I went back in regardless. This is where things got REALLY weird and put me on edge massively. Now I had kissed him, yes she breaks the no kiss on a first date rule. I kissed him, I didn't sit on his face. I love kissing, and drunk me, well, she's a kiss ho - club necking, yes please!

I get back in, go the bar, get us drinks and go to the table and he had gone from hot head to horny in this 3 minute space. Wtf! So he grabs me and pulls me up, onto his LAP like a fucking cheap ass lap dancer - the type you can touch! Grabs the back of my hair and like pushed me to his face and he's kissing me, even drunk me wasn't feeling this. It felt like his tongue was looking for some hidden bloody treasure in my mouth, there is absolutely no excuse for a full grown man who's a bad kisser! He looks me straight in the eyes and goes "you make me so horny" like WHAT?! We're in a bar on our first date you weirdo. And he starts grabbing at his dick and shifting it, this fools got a semi on! He's trying to get me closer to make me touch it 😂 Wtf how long has it been mate?!

He kept on doing this and I kept on running away for a ciggy kind of to deter it and ring my mate, but this was just fuelling the fire. Each time this would happen he would be just hornier and hornier until it got to the point I was just done. Now those of you who know me at all know I love a good time, but there are 2 things that really put me off, and they are drugs and disrespect. I'm not having ANYONE tell me what to do. I was in survival mode here because this man just wasn't right.

So we're leaving after him snarling every fella in the bar. And I go here I'll call a taxi. He goes "no no we will just get a hackney" I said "No! I have no money on me I need to get money out lets just order one to there" and pointed to the ATM, in case you aren't getting the general vibe, I didn't want this viagra blooded murder face to be paying for the taxi, I wanted to be as safe as possible. But he's shouting no no, while I'm pleading "JUST LET ME RING IT PLEASE" (side note I rang on the sly but they were fully booked in the area, fuck you shitty taxis) he grabbed me by the hand like a naughty school child and pulled me over the road to a black cab. We got in and he decides, nah we aren't finished here. So I was already super angry that this gobshite had just put his hand on me like he owned me! I was telling him "I need to get money out, I have none on me, only my card I told you!" I'm so so angry at this point and now we're in a taxi, I'm stuck in a secluded place with a guy I hate. The taxi driver heard ALL of this by the way - ofcourse he did! And this *Nick* goes "we'll stop at the garage and get some ale and drink in mine" at this point his hightness of rudeness had forced mine to the surface, I told him "do what you want, I'm not going to yours anyway" then I rang my mate, the fact my friend is a guy probably didn't help, but who gives a shit this crank is an ex coke head, who puts his son after his drink and drugs and thinks it's okay to be completely inappropriate on a first date and TELLS a girl what she's doing, where she's going and how to behave HA! Sorry hun, wrong woman here!

So I'm on the phone to my friend, I'll call 'Jack' and he's asking me what's going on, I told him and he's like whoaaa bad situation that. I'm just having a natter, I don't care I'm never seeing this fella again anyway. Especially after him trying get me to give him some kind of mystical magic club rub. I hear the taxi slowing down, and... nope, nope, it's stopped. I turn and he has stopped at a garage. He goes "what do you want, vodka?" Like errrrrr no ta! And he goes "you'll drink vodka". Yes I will, but not yours you rapey fucker leave me aloneeee. I tell him yet again "I'm not coming to yours" he LAUGHS and gets out. Gets back in a minute later with a litre of vodka and mixer of some kind.

He gives the driver his address, I said "no I'm going home just drop me on the way. He goes "no, YOU'RE coming to mine" so I counter with "no I'm not I've already told you" now unbeknown to him, I had made arrangements with my friend while I was on this date that I would go to hers, because lets face it, I needed friends after this one. He got a proper titty lip on. We're outside his at this point and He goes "WELL IF YOU AREN'T COMING TO MINE, THEN I'M NOT PAYING FOR THIS TAXI" and I shouted "YES YOU BLOODY ARE, YOU WANTED THIS TAXI YOU BOTH (him and the driver) KNOW I'VE GOT NO MONEY ON ME!!" so he screams "NO IF YOU AREN'T STAYING IN MINE YOU CAN FUCK OFF I'M NOT PAYING FOR YOU TO GO HOME!" and slams the door! At this point I said to the driver "let me out" he goes "no" and locks the doors. I was calm and said "you need to take me to a cash machine then, there's one on the way to my mates" which there was, it was literally round the corner from her street. And he goes "no I want paying now or you aren't leaving" so I got my mate on the phone so she could hear all this because this shit was bad vibes. So I said to him "how can I pay you if you don't take card and I have no cash on me? You just heard the conversation between me and him? Why didn't you do this to him?" So you know what this cheeky bastard did? He didn't listen to reason, he didn't think logically, no, did he shite. HE TURNED THE ENGINE OFF! Now I can be cool, calm and collected... but I can also be batshit crazy! I go from 0-1000 in .2 seconds flat if I'm pushed and I'll turn into an absolute devil spawn of satan, grow horns and fangs, and drink the blood of my fucking enemies for looking at me the wrong way. I had been spoken to like shit, had unwanted physical contact, had been sexually harassed on this date and NOW on top of all that I was being kidnapped by my taxi driver because I refused to go into the house with this man to possibly be sexually assaulted because lets face it we ALL know what was on his mind, and this man had poked the dragon! I started howling like a banshee! "YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE, HOW DARE YOU! FUNNY HOW YOU LET A 6FT MAN GO BUT LOCK A 5 FT WOMAN IN HERE!" I was ragging this mans door, I was threatening him, I was about to kick his window through - or attemp it a least. I don't know if anyone has ever been in a similar situation but I was in panic mode. Thinking you've just got away from someone who you consider a danger, thinking you're finally safe and then you meet another fucking villain. Of course. So he threatened me with the police. I was MADE UP! I've never been in trouble with the police in my life, I told him "ring them, ring them now, because I want to see what they do when they get here and see you've kidnapped me and wont let me leave, because that's what you've done" and he goes "no they will take you for refusing to pay" so again I reiterated for the third or fourth time "I haven't refused to pay, you wont let me get the money to pay you and I'm not being stuck in here any longer" it had been around 20 minutes. So I said my friend had been recording everything on the phone and was ringing the police now. He SHIT his pants "there's no need for that is there" he said. HA! He said that to me?! Sorry because your threats don't work. So I gave him *Nick's* number and said "here, you let him go, this is HIS cab I didn't want this shitty taxi I wanted private, you want money RING HIM!" and sat glaring at him while my mate was 'ringing the police'. So he called him and told him "You'll have to come out here and pay this mate, she hasn't got money on her" SWEET AS FUCKING PIE THE SHIT BAG TWAT! *Nick* came out in a drunken stupor and literally threw the money at the driver because he had said he wasn't leaving. This is while I had hold of the door lock because I was pulling it to break until he got out. So I leapt out the taxi and told the driver I was getting his plate number (idiotic to tell him I know). So he sped off the absolute coward. I mean it, I didn't know they could go that fast! I got a picture of a blurred plate. So I walked down the road, turned a corner and rang a private and stood waiting. I get a call from who? No one else but *NICK* he calls me and says, and I quote this now "Why did you go weird?" WHAT?!?!?!?! Why did I go weird?! You're the one who was towering me in the club, tried to physically take my phone off me, called me a tease for having 'nice lips' spent 30 minutes talking about your coke habit which you clearly aren't over, tried to get me to rub your dick like fucking aladin on speed, and got me kidnapped by a dirty pervy old taxi driver and left me in it outside your house to ROT because i wouldn't come inside and have your buddah body flayel around on me like a fish out of water. But sorry yes I went weird. Arghhhh what! Ending up screaming at the guy over the phone at 1am on my first date that he was insane whilst stood at the end of a cul de sac was NOT what I had in mind.

I ended the night by going to my friends, robbing her cousins size 11's (I'm a 5) and running round the house screaming "LOOK AT ME BOAT SHOES" while they took pictures of me and made me cups of tea, so all in all not a bad end to the night. Every cloud and all that.

Well I hope this entertained you guys, this wasn't number 1 on my worst date list unfortunately. But I hope you enjoyed it and it wasn't hard to follow. I'll be posting more dating disasters as the days go on.

But until next time

Don't be a stranger, and stay safe.

x.x