It's been a hot minute, I wont even bore you with baby and belly woe's. But the fact I've turned into a miniature monster truck or as I like to call it a walking blimp, has taken it's toll on me, I'm such a let down I'm sorry for about the 10 of you who read this 😂.
But Hi, Hello, I'm back, and I thought being I've been so absent I'd come firing back with a nice shiny new delicious dating disaster for you all.
So get comfy, make a drink, you may need it and lets get the ball rolling.
So I think we'll talk about 'hair plugs' or lets call him HP for short, because, well, he doesn't deserve his name. Plus he's extremely momey and fame hungry so I would NOT be surprised if he tried to squeeze me for every last penny (all of about 3 of them) including my babies moses basket, for publishing a story with any relevance to his name 😂. Ok so I met HP on tinder 🙄 yep, I know, anpther one of those happy little tales. You know the script, girl meets boy, boy asks if girl sells pigeons, girl dates guy, happily ever after... no? Yep, me neither.
Now I'm all for giving chances but here goes. So I think I started talking to HP around mid 2017, I stupidly gave him my number and we spoke for a little while via text (like a couple hours). Next thing you know I'm in my best mates and gets a phone call, now idiot over there didn't realise the S7 edge would show people's names when they called even if you didn't have the number saved. I answered knowing EXACTLY who it was, but asked 'who's this' as you do 😉. And his reply? 'I saw you on gumtree, you're the girl selling pigeons aren't you?' Now I was dumbfounded, like er hang on, does he think I'm someone else and he DOES want to buy pigeons, cos I gots none 🤷♀️. I ask again 'who's this' and he says the same again and asks 'aren't you selling them no?' Starts laughing and goes nah only joking, it's 'plugsy' (his surname+y) know who I am, so I go 'ye hair plugs' and he goes 'whoa what? How did you know my full name?' I go 'just do', he was creeped out because his plan was to be dead immature and wind me up, nay nay baby boy, nay nay. I do the annoying round here (just ask my boyfriend). And eventually I tell him my phone has caller ID. He starts chatting away, so he asks for my instagram and starts following me when I tell him, so of course I follow back. He took a moment. Then accepts (he was weird). He then asks how old I am, to which I told him (25 I think I was), and he goes 'pft look rough don't you? You look like you sat behind Jesus in school' So I go 'ahh one of them are ya, I know I look young so them old shouts don't do shit to me'. So he's like 'just being honest' making out he was bantering (he wasn't he was giving me a gorgeous back handed compliment to bring down my self esteem, WRONG GIRL BUD), but he made one detrimental mistake... he called ME! When I was with my best mate, both renowned for winding people up when together 😂. So we start going through his instagram. And while we do we come across a LOVELY little video of him on a very well known reality dating program, that NEVER. EVEN. AIRED! hahahahahahaha! And my mate goes 'is he wearing make up? He deffo is.' So that was it then. You wana be a big man. You wana try make women feel ugly. You think you're gorgeous HA! So I let him babble on while he's on speaker and we're laughing at him (NOT with him) and I simply say 'you done? Looking at your insta, do you wear makeup?' He goes 'no! What? No!' So straight on the defensive. I say 'Ah well, we're looking and I can clearly see you do, I mean you're alright trying to rip into me for my looks when I know I look younger than my age, when you're sat there trying to act a big macho man while wearing more eyeliner than Jack Sparrow!' And me and my mate start cackling like the evil pair of witches we are... and he says nothing but makes a few noises and puts the phone down. We laugh and laugh and laugh, I text him saying 'what happened, where did you go?' And he blanks, never to be heard from again... or so you would believe.
Roll on about 6 months, all is forgotten about the lad, and someone pops up on my whatsapp asking who I am, apparently I'm fit etc etc. Tell him I don't have a clue who he is, I didn't. I didn't have the lads number saved and he wasn't all that memorable to look at to be honest. In 6 months I'd been on about 20 dates, so man forgive me for not remembering the face of someone who I never met. God complex or what?! He warms me up basically with some chat, we start talking and we get on, surprisingly, really well! Although a giant red flag, he says to me something along the lines of 'you best not be huge' but he says it in a funny way, and me loving banter I just laugh it off and go yep massive, and what if I am you'll be happy about it an all!' I don't give a shit tbh I'd been single best part of 4 years by this point, I'd been messed about, lied to, used and cheated on, losing one big headed fella I never met aint a big deal. But we laugh and laugh and it becomes a regular thing (the contact, not the fat shaming). He rings me every morning to wish me a good day, texts me whilst working and rings me on dinners etc, what you'd expect of a good guy right? Nah he's just good at the game... but not, as good, as me 🤗. Eventually we agree to go out. By this point I was ok with the idea, happy even, but still a bit unbothered 🤷♀️. As any woman who has been single a yesr or more will tell you, in the words of Ms Shania Twain 'that don't impress me much'. The day comes around where we are meant to go out, and he's in the barbers for AT LEAST 3 hours. I shit you not, I actually think it was around 6 hours because I did not believe him! I have a nap (as per), nice long one too! I wake up, I order take away, THEN I get a face time! It's him, he genuinely IS still sat in the barbers, like what the fuck?! He's asking if I still want to go out, he doesn't sound most enthused about it, but that could have been down to me practically snarling him. This was a rare night I had nothing planned anyway (VERY rare) so I didn't care, it got me out the house right? May I add, I agreed to go out mainly because I was going to a rave the next weekend and when I expressed my disinterest in us going out his reply was 'oh I'll see you at the rave, my mates getting me tickets' and last thing I wanted was some billy big balls show off ruining my night by trying to find me because knowing my luck... he would. So against my better judgement, I agree. He says 'I'll be with you in 45 minutes, get ready'. I'm stubborn so tell him 'don't tell me when, I'll be ready when I'm ready you left it all day love, so you can wait til i'm done' may I add, if you arrange a date with someone, GIVE THEM A TIME! Do NOT expect them to get ready through out the day and wait around for your inconsiderate arse all day until you decide you want to go now. I roll out of bed and half arsedly get ready. I still looked pretty good. We agreed to go to a shisha bar, his idea. I later find out he frequesnts these places, oh but he DOESN'T smoke, ever, no no that would be disgusting 🙄. I tell the concierge in my building I'll probably be back soon, to please put my food behind the desk and I'll pick it up when I'm back. He wishes me luck, tells me the fella aint much cop because he doesn't walk to the door, and I agree and leave. Gets to his car, we say hello and off we go... He's one of these, nice hair, VERY well groomed (too well groomed for me), pristine 4x4 and teeth that looked like they were created by fine china. Although, he showed up in agrey tracksuit... because he had been the gym and barbers. I gave him down the banks for it. Usually it wouldn't bother me but you'll see why I was such a bitch soon. His aura just oozed arrogance. We're driving, he's yammering on about girls, the way he doesn't cheat, he isn't this, he isn't that. Word of advice girls, if a fella protests about how much he ISN'T a bad guy, he usually IS. A lion doesn't tell you it's a lion and Boris Johnson doesn't tell you he's a liar, know what I'm saying? His phone goes and he answers, of course he does, he puts it on speaker, of course he does! His mate is yapping on, then says 'oh where ya off?' He goes 'shisha bar (insert shisha bar name) and his mate says 'aw ye that's the type of place you'd take a sound girl that, like go on a little get to know you date, little shisha, little chat, nice atmosphere, sound'. I was convinced he knew I was there, until 'Oh mate you need to get some you know. What's going on anyway man I haven't heard you with a bird in a whilw you need to get out with the lads and take some fit birds back to yours' and HP goes 'I'm with one now' and we laugh. His mate goes 'Naaaah you aren't, are you?!' And he goes to me 'go on say Iya'. So reluctantly I say 'hello'. And he bursts out into laughter 'sorry love, but you know what I mean?'. So he carries on and HP does nothing but encourage the conversation, it's rude to be honest. His mate asks where I'm from, I tell him I'm not saying but in the end I tell him Seaforth. He goes no way you always been from there?? I say yep. He goes 'so who do I know that you know then?' Whilst refusing to tell me his name. How the fuck am I meant to know who you know when I don't even know your name you crank?! He relents and tells me his first name. I tell him one of my uncles names lets call him 'Trev Yam' don't ask why. And he goes AH NO WAY I KNOW HIM, and his brother, 'Drew Yam'. I go 'omg ye haha I thought you were lying!' He seemed alright but a loud mouth and defdo didn't know when to exit a conversation but why would he, HP was largwly encouraging his input. And HP just has to pipe up 'oh ye, you know her uncles do you??' His mate goes 'ye I do, from ages ago'. And HP goes bold as brass, and I quote now (bar the names) 'tell Trev and Drew I'm going to shag their nephew', to which my head slowly turns and I go, who? Craig, Phil, Alex, Sam? And reel off my male cousins names. And he shakes his head as if to filter the genders into position 'I meant tell them I'm going to shag their niece'. Now I don't know about you lot, but I am dead against disrespect. I'm also against cockiness and 2 facedness, ie the acting lovely to me, getting into deep conversation and always being attentive, and then showing off in front of mates with absolutely NO consideration for my feelings or well being. So I say 'best be a different niece because not a chance in hell you're getting anywhere with me mate!' And I don't know about you, but once girls call a fella 'mate' the door to romance is well and trully shut in my eyes. And he gets cocky again 'I mean you 😊 and I am' so I reiterate what I just said but throw in 'never!' He looks genuinely shocked and goes 'oh ye, what wait never? I will. Never?' And I go 'never ever in a million years will you get anywhere with me'. All while his mate is still on loud speaker laughing. So HP obviously can't lose face and says something along the lines of 'pft you say never but watch, tonight, ye I will and ypu can tell her uncles'. I just get this burst of anger, I'm locked in a car in drive, with this cocky absolute gobshite, with his mate spurring him on talking about me as if I have no choice in the matter and I just punch him in the arm. It wasn't a girl punch either, but it wasn't a man punch at the same time. And he gors 'ow what the fuck is that for? Telling you lad this girl is weird!' Like AM I NOT HERE?! Now I don't condone violence usually, but I could NOT hold it in, I don't care there is a part of the human brain, especially mine that HAS to hit out in defense if I feel a man isn't listening to me especially when I'm telling him NO to sex means NO! Wouldn't even mind had he sounded like he was remotely joking!
We pull up anyway outside the shisha bar and my mum rings me, she asks me a few things and goes 'oh sorry I didn't know you were on a date' to which I replied 'no you don't have to go, honestly mum this is terrible' but she does anyway... nice one Amy love. We sit outside chatting for a few mins until he spots the same car as his but in black across the street, and goes 'oh no', I'm like oh no what and he tells me that's his mates car. So there was a group of them in there, FIVE MORE OF HIM! It seemed far too coincidental for me thanks. So he goes 'we can't go the other one I wont get in dressed like this' and I replied 'well who's fault is that, who asks a girl out and shows up in a gym tracksuit?' He tells me to shut up and rolls his eyes, apparently it's fine. So I just snarl him and think what's the point in arguing he's so arrogant it would go in his ears and out through the holes his fake hair was sewn into anyway! (Side note, what 26 uesr old man needs hair plugs please, he didn't know I knew this 😂 I did). His phone goes, it's them inside, he ignores and I ask who it is. Tells me it's them inside, they had spotted the car because you know, we'd only been sat outside for 10 minutes! He goes 'come on we'll just go in' to which I explaimed 'no we bloody will not!!!'. He asks 'why' full well knowing the answer. I told him 'because if your attitude can be this shocking when it's just me, you and your mate ON THE PHONE, how stupid would I have to be, to put myself in the position where I am stuck, in a bar, with six of YOU!' And his reply??? 'Ye, that's probably true' and he laughs, so he probably told them previously God knows how that would have gone had I not been smart enough to say, eh neh! We sit outside and he tells me about his ex girlfriend, I don't get a word in edgewise. He tells me how they were together so long and he never cheated because he is so so loyal in a relstionship but sleeps around when single, I have no issue with that 🤷♀️ as long as you're all consenting, safe, legal, honest and single or whatever, who cares you do you! BUT then hr talks about his most recent ex. Apparently he went for her as she was a bit below him so was punching but was 'so sound' and his mates used to ask all the time 'hair, why are you with her?' And he would say 'because she's sound, and wont cheat' hahahahahahahaha what?! He goes on to say how she was fat and basically not pretty enough. My eyes rolled so much at the audacity of this that they actually hurt by the end of it. He said how if I saw them I'd say 'what is going on here, why is he with her?' I told him repeatedly, no I wouldn't. Not my place to question who sees what in who or why they are with someone based on looks, it just isn't. He just HAD to keep correcting me. He then told me this lovely story about how he took a girl on a date who didn't look like her pictures as much as he had hoped, he was in the middle of nowhere with her and didn't want to waste his time because he didn't fancy her so he LEFT HER IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IN THE DARK AND DROVE OFF! I really don't know what reaction he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't being told he was disgusting and deserved to be alone because he was a scumbag and was also met by a very sarcastic 'well I should count myself lucky you find me pretty enough to not leave me in the middle of nowhere!' He tried to defend it but NOTHING but her being a bloody serial killer or a puppy murderer would defend that action. Like, he didn't even have a surgw of conscience and turn back he just left her there, what an absolute cunt shite! In the end after being sat outside, getting to know what a wang he was for about 30 minutes we decided, ye, lets go home thanks! He drove me home continuously telling me about him, don't think he asked about me once just made the general comment about my looks, or sex with me 👍👍🤓 I loved that honest. We got outside mine and spoke for about 5 minutes, I had a little go at him for the back of his car being messy, I also found a file with his name on it and called him by his first name, he told me not to because he hated his name😈 thanks Hair Plugs for that little nugget of wisdom. I called him by it continuously for around 3 minutes solid and he hated it. We spoke kind of wind down, end of date chat for around 2 minutes and I got my jacket from behind me and looked at him and was about to open the car door and this fucking moron KISSED ME! He actually read some fucking magical imaginary signs saying I'm interested and kissed me! I LOVE kissing, really I do, but I hated this man with almost every fiber of my being, and I just sat the like what the fack! No tongue shall invade my mouth, my lips closed like a bumhole touching an ice block, my teeth were locked behind them like fucking Gandalf YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!! I sat there and then couldn't help myself I just jumped out the car and said 'I'd say this was nice, but it really wasn't I do NOT like you, you're an arsehole' and slammed his precious car door. You think you can insult womens sizes, call girls ugly, ask me for helpful info on the bar you want to open (another long story, but it's a cursed bar by mine renowned for no one running it for longer than the 6 month probationary period), tell me about you dumping a girl in the middle of nowhere because she 'didn't reach your standards', tell your mate you're going to shag me and to tell my uncles REPEATEDLY, try getting me in a room with 5 of your gobshite friends, and you think YOU have the RIGHT, nay nay the AUDACITY to try and touch MY FACE LIPS! No! Guess again you fucking fake hair, receeding hair lined, ugly mummies boy cockwomble I. THINK. NOT.
I get back inside and the concierge looks at his watch in shock and goes 45 minutes Gem, that's a record even for you. And whilst handing me my food he says 'in future, any man who thinks they are good enough to take YOU out, they come to this front desk and they ask me for you! I'll vet them and decide if they are good enough! Because you have the worst luck and I really don't know why'. He was always so lovely haha! I miss him he was like a stand in dad (even if he did once tell me a couple weeks prior I looked like I had put on some 'timber') why do people think it's ok to comment 🙈. Anyway the next week I went to the rave and didn't see gobshite naywhere, when it had ended me and my friend could NOT get a taxi naywhere. So I, in my infinite wisdon, after exhausting everyonr i thought could possibly be there, messaged cockwomble asking if he had managed a taxi. Now believe me I had zero interest in this manchild, this is like an open diary, I'd admit if there was any ulterior motive, if I wanted a drunken shag I's have said, not like he'd have said no, as was proven in his reply of 'no, I didn't get tickets, but want to come back to mine for sex?' To which I replied 'ew no definitely not, ever! Told you, just wanted a taxi' and he goes 'bye then' and puts the phone down. Why I ever expect anyone to do things out of goodness I'll never know. Just because I'd help doesn't mean others would unfortunately 🤷♀️. So I text him called him a twat and that was the last I heard.
But yep, this was a lovely one, just goes to show, always trust your gut, first impressions cou ttwith ufckboys and if someone rings you asking if you sell pigeons, just say yes, you have a main supplier and give them your exes number or something, save yourself the ag! Hope this entertained you at least a little, reliving these just makes me so grateful to have found Pab I swear and makes me 100% certain I deserve him after all the shit I went htrough and I am NOT giving him up 😂. So for now ladies and gents I'll love you and leave you. Don't be a stranger, and stay safe 😘 x.x