Please! We've all been here and if you haven't either count your lucky stars or I'm wondering if maybe you're the crazy ex. We know what it's like to feel like you've met your possible person? Right? I did when I was about 17 (side note, he wasn't). Where you feel infatuated with one another and all handsy, butterflies, you want everyone to see you for the happy little perfect relationship elves you are #relationship goals right? Then next thing you know his mum hates you for turning down her cup of tea, he blames you for his mates flirting, messages other girls and cries everytime you say you don't want him. No? Just me? Eh we each have our own story. I was with this one for 2 years of my life, we had ups and downs, left and rights, round the fucking loop the lot my loves. But in all fairness the lad was a drip and I was just not arsed. Once the initial obsession wore off it was pretty much game over for me. Now I don't know about you but a lad telling me he is getting my name tattood on him and telling me how many kids we're going to have before I'm even 18... that shit is enough to create a Gem shaped hole in the wall surrounded by red fucking pixie dust off the fire from my heels.
These are the types of exes who flat out REFUSE to let you be done in the good old fashioned sane ways such as text breakup, sew for closure and Do it in person, ghost yada yada yada...
There are 3 sure fire ways to shake away a pesky ex... stick with me and you may find one that suits your sitch without including the police or a bodyguard!
1) Lie about a new suitor
Lets be clear on this ok, I HATE lying. I despise it and the thought of someone lying to me absolutely shakes me to my inner core!!! However some situations call for it. Plus, if the crazy hates lying and you want rid, maybe that will do it too so it's all a win win and you can fuckadoodledoo your way round life in the knowledge you got rid just being you 🤗. I had to do this once to my ex, it was horrible, the lad stalked me for 5-8 months (I always forget what one, I've had a LOT of weird shit) he made a collage of us somehow and stuck it down the back of his wardrobe as a 'present' 5 months after we had ended... got it? Good! So this had gone on for a hella long time, I had blocked the lad on pretty much everything MSN (yes that long ago I was 19 alright!), facebook, even twitter. I didn't know how to block numbers back then so blanked and blanked, his phone, his parents and pretty much anyones he could get hold of. And the ONLY thing that got rid of him was me lying my arse off saying that I had a date with someone else. Now I'll have my own back on this one, I HAD been talking to a lad back then, but give me my dues I had been single for around 6 months so all is fair. And after practically hearing his heart snap in two, he seemed to understand that things were actually over. This is a lad I had threatened with police intervention, the lot. Honestly putting another mans stamp on it so to speak was the one and only thing to rid this particular crazy. It's never easy hurting someone you once thought you loved but sometimes it's the only option especially when you need to give yourself a chance at happiness. No one elses happiness should ever come at the expense of your own, so sorry not sorry.
2) Out crazy the fucker
An absolute personal favourite of mine!! Yassss kweeeeeen.
So say you gave your number to a guy, and he turns out to be a class A cock womble, we've all been there. Something of the doesn't take no for an answer, texts 365000 times a day variety. And the bitch wont quit. For instance he gets your number and texts you at 3, and by 3.10 you have 8 messages, he has had an entire argument on both your behalves of why you have not replied and also made up for you both and he's sent a picture message of a krushem with the caption 'not for you nasty'. From personal experience you aren't getting rid of them easy. I out crazied someone on one occasion and funnily enough it wasn't the krushem crank. And in order to do this I hit him with 'does this feel like a relationship to you?' If he went out with his friend I threw in a 'message me when you can talk' but soon as he was with said friend I hit him with a 'oh so I'm not important enough no?' Followed with 'I thought we had a future' seriously I went full on how to lose a guy in 10 days on this one. He wanted to be unstable, well, welcome to the thunderdome fannyike! You can text 8 times in 10 minutes, well watch me work matey I'm in over 14 group chats I'll hit you with 18 texts in 10 minutes and STILL find time to have a cuppa inbetween. Your texts may be about dating and how you feel a connection, but watch me talk feelings, period cycles and our future together. Yes we can visit your mum for a roast on a Sunday but you need to know mine will be moving in when we have a baby, and as for babies I want 7 and I want half of them to have your surname and half to have mine, and we'll toss a coin for the odd one out or just deed pole that shit and give a mixture of both, who knows it could be the famous one out of the bunch. Also, your social media? I want all females gone, in FACT if there's a fella on there who looks to clean cut I want him gone too, I don't care if he's your cousin. Honestly people, say what ever the fuck you want because end of the day you're tryna get rid of this one. BUT I will give you one little nugget of wisdom... be careful and document the lot, including how he was crazy first, screen shot that shit so you have evidence in case you ever meet a nice decent one and they just so happen to know each other. I mean if a crazy calls you a crazy... you're girl interrupted style fucked up so cover all bases.
3) Bitch Bitch bitchy bitch bitch
I'm not really a fan of this one, but I HAVE used it on numerous occasions. You know when fellas you don't even Know seem to think they are entitled to nudes, or men down the street tell you to 'smile' and tell you to give them your number and call you a slag when you refuse to teeter on over there (as all great love stories begin). Sometimes you just refuse to put up with the shit, you refuse to lie about having a boyfriend or being a lesbian because why the fuck should you?! Why should I darken my moral compass because you want to get your dick wet and I'm afraid to bruise your ego? Soz but no. So it's time to straighten your posture, fix your collar, knock that crown straight and go in for the kill. I'm not talking 'no thankyou' and 'I'm sorry but's'. I'm talking looking this fucker dead in the eye and telling them STRAIGHT. Summon your inner banshee. I can't tell you how many times I've lost my shit and felt my inner shedemon come out in force, can feel the head spinning slowly at 360 degrees and fire is coming from my eyes as I spit from the ald acid tongue. I'll give you a for instance. Girl walks down the street minding her own business
Guy: OI! AY FIT YOU!
Girl politely ignores, could be a multitude of reasons, she could have anxiety, could be a victim of abuse and it terrifies her, or literally she could have head phones in or just flat out be choosing not to engage. But does he care, does he fuck!!
Guy: I'M TALKING TO YOU!! TURN ROUND! AY!
Girl: *turns around, makes sure he's talking to her, turns back around and carries on*
Guy: FUCKING SLAG! WALKING ROUND LIKE THAT. FUCK YOU!
Girl... enters the bitch dome: 'and why am I a slag? Because I don't want you, or because no woman does? How am I a slag because I don't prance over to you when you beck and call like a desperate weirdo? Sort your shit out you ugly sack of shit, you must have a tiny dick to be getting so offended by a female who is flat out not interested. Also give me your mothers number so I can ring her and tell her she failed by raising such a useless little cuntshite in the first place'.
Pivot, and walk away whilst giving him 2 of these 🖕 behind your head while he gobs off looking like the worthless twat he is...
I don't know about you but just writing that last one down made me feel bloody great. We don't all need to swear and could have gone with a classier approach but I don't know, something about profanity just gives it that extra something something you know?
Trust me my darlings, one of these 3 is a sure fire way to get rid of a level 3 crazy ( I go to level 5 which is a get the police involved before your heads in his fridge type loonatic).
I hope to hear that someone in need has used one of these, or does in future anyway. That's me out for now my loves but I hope if nothing this resonated with you or at the very least gave you a giggle at yet again, my past missfortune.
Until next time
don't be a stranger and stay safe
x.x